Setting yourself up for failure

[Combining the parents' names into one uber-name seldom works out well for anybody. Witness the dilemma of a mommy who can't spell:]

{{HELP!}} i need a boy name and a girl name but my name and my bfs name have to be mixed in somehow.?

ok so we decided that we wanted our names in our babys name..

my name is Shade--no not like the shade u get under a tree or something its spelled Shade but pernonse like the singer Sade'

his name is steven so how do we mix a really nice boy and girl name with ours any suggestions?? HELLLLLLPPPPP PLLZZZZZ!!!

[First, let me just say this: pernonse. Wow.]

[And now, please enjoy the suggestions of the ever-helpful Yahoo Answers Baby Names community:]

Stacy. [I lol'd]

Shaven? Vensha? Heaven?

Stanley, with a C. [this would get my vote for best answer if I hadn't been banned from YA long ago.]

thats hard mama how bot Shaden Steden?

Shaden
Staven
Neveah (heaven backwards but has all the letter from both your names (girl)) [except the S.]
Saven

Sven
Shane
Aden

Aven
Shannen
Sadie

Saden
Stevanya
Sadenya
Stevina

shaven - girl
stehad - boy

(im trying this is hard lol but not impossible)
-saiden
-sandee
-evan
-shane
-shanice
-steph
-shaden (you do pronounce the sh)
-thadee (im guessing this can be like katie but with a th)
-seth

[Mommy Shade should know better than most what a bad idea it is to give her child a goofy-ass name that he or she will have to constantly tell people how to spell and pronounce for the REST OF HIS LIFE.]

Sound like wine labels.

[A prospective mommy asks Yahoo Answers:]

What do you think about these unique baby names?

Girl-
Madrid
Bellavida
Saskia

Boy-
Hart
Wylder
Riley

[For the record, L doesn't actually hate either Saskia or Hart, but I figured you might, gentle reader, so I put them in bold orange for you. The rest are horrid, though. I think we can all agree on that.]

[Also, for flip's sake, can we PLEASE stop naming children RILEY already? Riley is to the last five years as Michaela and Hayden were to ten years ago.]

You have a WHAT in your pants?

Sunnie, a dispatcher, sent in these gems (to dnytkblog@gmail.com)

A man who changed his name from something quite normal (Steven Smith, or the like) to Jiggley Boy M. Paris A. Satan. I guess it's not always parents who commit naming crimes.

Lasedrick Bloodsaw. Yeah, that's a real dude's name. Look at it again. LASEDRICK. It's not what you think. But I know what you were thinking. Kind of sexy, huh?

And Sunnie writes,

"And one more for you, fresh from the field! A woman today told me her
daughter's middle name was (pronounced) "Elsie", so I asked "starting
with an E, like Edward?" And she said "No, it's L-dot-C". What, she
wasn't good enough for a middle name, so she only gets initials?"

L.C I don't believe it. Well, on the positive side, she has the perfect name for a respectable author, which is better than having the perfect name for a respectable stripper, which is what Turquoia, another of Sunnie's real-life submissions, got from her parents.

Thanks, Sunnie. Keep 'em coming.

I would not, could not in a box.

From Yahoo Answers:

Do you like this girl nameS?

Do you like Aristella Rachele
or/and
Marlee Animaila

Which name do you prefer?

Grey or Keavan?

Keavan is like Kevin, only a kee sound intead of a kev sound (kee-vin) i realize they might not be your style but please just pick one.

What do you think of this name for a little blonde boy?

I came up with this name it's chadison like madison but with chad in front we would call him chad but his full name would be chadison be honest

[what about a full-grown blonde man named Chadison? We're not just naming little wee babbies, remember.]

What sounds better or cuter?

No ugly comments please about spelling just would like to know what is cuter or better then thee others

Skyleigh
Shayleigh
Shyleigh-Shileigh
Shayleah

[Ugh.]

It's not just in the U.S., folks.

[Andy from the U.K. writes:]

The daughter of a friend of mine grew up in Brighton, a city with a fairly large number of Alternative Lifestyle parents, and this does result in some howlers: the worst two of which were Geronimo and Rin-Tin-Tin. Geronimo (who would be about 15 now) presumably calls himself “Gerry”, but poor Rin-Tin-Tin wasn’t even male (like the dog). She was a girl.

My son Nicholas had the slightly odd experience of there being two classmates called Tiger (one male, one female) , but no other Nicholas.

My wife’s cousin insisted on calling her daughter “Moana” (pronounced “Mo-Anna”). From the greek, literally “person of the sea”, however you just know it will be pronounced “Moan-er” at school. To make things worse this is actually quite a common name in the South Pacific, where it is a man’s name.

Oh, and I used to have a step-daughter called Nemone (ne-monny, “memorable”, not nee-moan). At least her father mas persuaded not to spell it with an “M” on the beginning… (of course there is now a disk jockey called Nemone, so it’s not as unusual as it used to be, but it was amusing that for a period at school her two best friends were called “Melanie” and “Naomi”.

[Thanks for the note, Andy...I think!]

Really? You've never heard these before?

From a question/answer site:

Unique Names That Are to Cute!

I love differnt names and want to know the strangest and cutest you've heard. I work ina daycare and know so many names that I will have to name my children something i've never heard of b/c i'll always think of that child I knew plus I like different names...Some are
-jaidyn
-london
-jersey
-peyton
-heaven
-ellie
-ava
these are girl names and boys all I have is trenton

[Really? You've never heard these before? At your daycare? Where you're taking care of the latest crop of kiddies whose parents decided to give them trendy names, too? Anyway, read on for some suggestions from this site.]

What about paradise for a girl

If the doctor tells me wednesday that i'm having a girl, we'll name her ava elizabeth. if it's a boy, it's destin.

Chrissasia is a beautiful name.

What about: chrishelle, skyanne or sky-anne

Those are some pretty names. I also like: mettea, zakiya, lennon, lachlan

Don't name your kid heaven! Just don't! The other names are cute though. But not Jersey. London...ehhh. [finally, some sense. And she can capitalize most of the time, which speaks in favor of her intelligence.]

[Originator of the thread comes back to say:]

Ah I really like jersey I think that is our defint name if we ever get preggo jersey

[Can I just say that I hate the word "preggo?" Also, for god's sake, learn how to spell.]

Cute and unusual - GIRLS: Teilor Jamison (pronounced Taylor), Saige Winterlynn, Linden Marine, Charleign Haper (pronounced Charleen), Joshlynn Avery, Ainsley, Ellasyn, Jaetyn, Kaylor, Leighton [it's back!], Macyn, Rayan
BOYS: Blaise Nolan, Zayne Ryland, Kayd Alixander, Dayton Parker, Acton, Karston, Madden, Manning, Urban, Zacharee

Okay, yes!! I love weird names. Here is a list of names I've put together. (They all mean something to me...)
MALE NAMES: Fagan Ray, Brogan, Stetson Lee, Anaximander, Thales Reed, Eliezar, Cagney, Jerusalem, Jericho, Jethro
FEMALE NAMES: Sadie Eyre, Aspiasiah, Britain, Denver, Kenzington, Rilee, Holland, Hananiah, Caesarea, Odessa

I think this was a troll.

At least, I hope it was a troll.

What first name would flow with the middle name Gomorrah?

Yeah, I'm pretty darn sure that was a troll post, but the people on the baby name forum in question sure took it all serious-like, some of them reacting in horror, and others making honest suggestions.

Ashlyn Gomorrah. [I think this works. Ashlyn is an evil name, and I can see some pissed-off deity getting sick of all the little Ashlyns running around in their squeaky Hannah Montana shoes and just unleashing a fiery bombardment of, uh, fire on them. Have I mentioned that I'm sick of the name Ashlyn?]

So long as you don't give the kid the first name of Sodom.

Ajax Gomorrah [a serious suggestion, given among a list of otherwise normal first names, many of them, to my amusement, Biblical in origin.]

It has awkward connotations from the Bible, but personally, I wouldn't let that bother me if I liked the name. Although I would have to think about when my child grows up, how others would react to it. [Ya think?!] Our son is Jack Danger and our daughter is Jade Mischief.

You're worried about the name Ajax because it's a soap...yet you're talking about a name that comes from two towns in the Bible full of people who invented sodomy, and were condemned for it!! I'd rather name my kid after soap than after something that refers to a**rape.

Don't ask the internet.

Nearly as bad as the "What do you think of this super-special name I'm considering for my child?" posts are the suggestions others make for moms who haven't decided on a name yet.

One poor gal who's looking for some names similar to Antonio or Maximus -- perfectly acceptable names, if you ask me -- got these suggestions. I ask you: Are they even in the same ballpark?

What about Maksim? Like the dancer from Dancing With the Stars.

Landon, Logan, Lawson. My cousin by marriages sons names. [Great, so their names all sound
trendy and alliterative, and you don't know how to use apostrophes?]

Axel, Justice...my friend has a son named Urijah.

I love names like Sawyer and Kellon but my stubborn close minded husband won't consider either of them for our potential future son. [smart man. I actually don't dislike Sawyer, but Kellon? Really?]

Adonis...


And finally, the best suggestion ever from a poster on said forum:

Or you can just say fuck it and name him Alexis Paige, and dress him like a girl.

You win the internet, madam. You win the inernet.

Tell me what you like mos.

From Y!A:

I'm just going to put out my whole list of full names and you just tell me what sounds better and what you like mos?

Boys:

Kayden Ryder
Lucas Cole
Grayson Lane
Grei
Benjamin Ryle (pro. Riley)
Brandson Noel
James Dominic [Hey, look! A normal one.]

girls:
Shailee Anne Marie
Brynna Elayne
Devon Shyann
MaraLynn
Noah Renee [She knows Noah was a drunk old man, right?]
Amber Nikole
Bailey Ray
Brynn Leigh
Natalia Lorraine
Lynn Cole
Amara Mae
Ashlee Leeanna
Leah Eden
Camila (Cammy) May
Nicole Leeanna
-------------------------
middle names please
Kamrynn
Eden
AmberLeigh
Carley
Zoey
Delaynee
Lorraine

Some of the girls' names aren't bad at all, but is it really necessary to get all UNEEK with the spelling?

It's just too matchy-match.

Let's explore the horrifying world of naming multiples, shall we? Anybody who is a twin, or who has a friend who's a twin, can tell you how effing annoying it gets when other people assume you have no individuality. Apparently a lot of mommies out there don't get this. Yet. They will, once their cute little matchy-watchy kids grow up to become pissed-off teens who struggle to stake their claim on a unique identity.

The following names were all taken from birth records -- hence, actual twins and triplets bear these names -- by an internets dweller who is not L, on a long-dead baby name forum.

Destinie Ann & Dynastie Lynn
Dyamond Lecole & Jade Nycole
Jessenia Elizabeth & Jessica Elizabeth
Adrionn Alyse & Ashlynn Arion (what??)
Haileigh Paige & Heather Paige
Mallory Kaye & Micah Kaye
Elisabeth Anne & Kathleen Elisabeth
J'Kelon Darnell & J'Quaylon Donnell
Jermaine Davon & Jermaude Devel (I guess we know which one is the evil twin.)
Emanuel Jacob & Manuel Jacoby
Quincy Donnell & Quinn Daniell
Caden Mark & Caleb Martin
Caleb Nicholas & Cooper Nicholas
Brandon Ross & Brendan Ryan
Kelby Kade & Kolby Jack
Kody Lane & Kolin Shane
Aubrey Gene & Audrey Jeanette (boy/girl)
Alexander Ray & Alexandria Rae
Eleigha Mariah & Elijah Macaiah (b/g)
Eric Patrick & Erica Patrice
Dominique Sharnell & Domonick Carnell
Taylor Kaitlin & Tyler Chase (g/b, I think)
Francesca Charlene & Frank Charles

And now, for some triple pain:

Bailey Lauren, Hailey Laurel, & Tanner Daniel (one of these things is not like the other.)
Kara Rene, Sara Kaye, & Tara Faye

I predict a lot of goths and a lot of "experimentation" during the ninth and tenth grades.

Oh, Yahoo Answers. Why do you torment me so?

A few eye-poppers from the ol' Y!A:

What do you think of the name Valentyn?
I want a boy and I really like the name Valentyn (pronounced valenteen)

Which baby girl name is the best?
Leighton Olivia
Braylee Summer
Britley Summer
Leighton Summer

[I must interject here. There's nothing wrong with Olivia or Summer, and I could even be persuaded to accept Leighton. I mean, at least I can imagine a grown woman and/or a grandmother named Leighton. It's obnoxiously trendy, but whatever. It works. It's the Braylee and Britley that really get to me.

And why? Just look at the title of the question. What baby girl name? This mommy is only thinking of naming a baby, not of naming a human being who will be a baby, a child, a teen, an adult, maybe a parent, maybe a grandparent, maybe a CEO, maybe the president, maybe a professor or doctor who would like to be taken seriously. And eventually, with luck, an old woman. Braylee? Really? An old granny sitting in a rocker yelling at kids to get off her lawn, and she's named Braylee? Or Britley? Come ON, people! You're not naming a baby. You're naming a person.]

Ahstyn Noelle or Paisley Noelle?
Please don't comment on how you hate either name. I am trying to decide between the two for my baby.

[Okay, then, I won't comment on -- oh. It's my blog, so in fact I will comment. This one is tricky. Ashton doesn't give me the heebie-jeebies. It's a boy's name, but whatevs. I can deal with the unisexery. It's the gratuitous Y I have a serious problem with. Ashton is just fine as it is. Don't make it "unique" (read: silly-looking) by spelling it all jacked-up-like.

As for Paisley, I, L, actually do not dislike this name. It's unusual but it sounds feminine and it has a little bit of a vintage, steampunk-but-not-irritatingly-so vibe to it. And I can see any kind of person wearing the name without problems. However, I included it here because I know G hates the name, and G is technically the coauthor of this blog, although she hasn't yet made any actual contributions. It's okay; I'm going to wring her for canning lessons soon so she'll make up for it.]

[INCREDIBLE NEWS FLASH EDIT!! Sharp-eyed reader Kissare (not her real name) points out that it's not Ashtyn, but AHSTYN. Yeah. Austin, but spelled even stupider than I originally thought. I take back all my compliments. This mommy sux.]
What are some ways to spell this name?
Do You Like This Name??
i like long names so don't tell me its long i already know and like it.
don't change any of the names or tell me too i just need ways to spell it please and im sorry if you dont like the name just please only tell me ways to spell it thanxx love sadie

the name is:
ArielLann(lynn)Muhrie(Marie) KiLeeah(KyLeeah)-Fai(fay)
pleas help thank you

[Pleas help, indeed.]

[Oh, dear. The author of the above post has an addendum. After reading Yahoo Answers' comments, she has this to add:]

okay all of you that want to make fun of me too bad okay. i like this name okay. and for all you people who tell me im stupid for spelling it like i am and asking for more ways im sorry im not like all you ignorant rude people who like to spell your children's names just like every other person in this world. i want mine diffrent and when people spell her name think its diffrent and beautiful
my own sisters name is heaven kamberlea-fai. thank yout to the people who have helped me and no thank you to the people who have smart mouthed my question

[I think the Bhaybiee(Baby)Jyeexiss(Jesus) is crying.]

La-WHAT?

At that charming party wherein I learned the horrible names Trinitee, Infinitee, Jiggs, Toy, etc., I was bombarded with suggestions for this blog. I wrote them all down -- they were excellent, really -- and then stupidly lost the piece of paper that held all these treasures.

If you were at Jenn's birthday dinner and lobbed scary names at me, please be so good as to email your names to dnyktblog@gmail.com so I may put them in a less easily lost place, such as, oh, my computer's hard drive, or perhaps I will tattoo them on my skin.

I do remember a couple from the party, though. They shared something special in common. A prefix. Prefix names have always scared me just a little bit. They're common in Mormon families; I was raised in one, so I know what I'm talking about. But really, you can find them anywhere.

Usually some kind of prefix will be added to an otherwise normal name, lending, I suppose, a little more flair. It's like BeDazzling your jean jacket. Only it's a name. That a person must wear as a label. For the rest of her life.

And sometimes, mommies don't think too hard about how the prefix will make the otherwise normal name sound when it's applied. Thus, there is at least one woman out there named Latrina. (For you Brits reading, that's like naming your daughter Loo.) (I know you already knew what "latrine" means. I was trying to make a joke.) (I'm sorry. I won't do that again.)

Sometimes, though, it's not the aural effect that's disquieting. Sometimes the whole name is just out there. LaPleasure. Need I say more?

Thanks, Jenn's birthday guests! Now please send me more.

My goodness! Where did all the love come from?

All of a sudden, people are commenting on this blog. I'm surprised. I honestly thought G and I would just shout into the void here until we got bored, but apparently at least a few of you are amused. Especially Clairy.

S'pose we'll keep it going, then.

Many of you have posted some deliciously bizarre names in the comments section. I would love to highlight these as their own special posts, so please, if you want to share any great names, email them to dnyktblog@gmail.com and we will give them their much-deserved time here.

Also, as we all know, blogs only truly rock if they have photos to illustrate their subjects. That's, um, basically impossible here. I don't really have a point to make about the lack of images here. Just...sorry.

If you are amused and/or disturbed by this blog, please share the URL with your friends and family -- unless they have given their children stupid names and would be offended. In that case, please don't. But do tweet, facebook, blog, and otherwise spread the word. The more readers we have, the more horrifying baby names we'll learn of.

<3, L.

Teachers have the best stories.

A teacher and a former teacher's aide shared these gems with me, from classrooms of the recent past:

Sisters Infinitee and Trinitee.
Brother-sister pair Champagne and Reality.
And Antwenet.

Nanny No-Nos

A friend who worked as a nanny shares these gems, from children she actually knew:

Belen, pronounced BAY-lin. A girl. And a trio of siblings named Jiggs (girl), Toy (boy), and Jo-Michael (boy.) These were not nicknames. No, not at all.

Break out the granola!

Another forum post:

---------------

I'm expecting a boy on October 3 and need an earthly name to go with my other childrens names which are Wave, Tide, Storm and Rain. My husband came up with Marine but on paper it looks too girly to me, what do you think? And we also want to have a middle name beginning with "M" that doesn't necessarily have to be earthly. Would Marine work with a middle name also beginning with M or would it crash and burn?

---------------

Let it be known that L loves "earthy" names. Being a nature nerd, I am down for names like Storm, as long as there's a more typical middle or first name to go with it, so the kid has a fallback in case he or she hates it. However, this theme naming b.s. I just can't get behind. It smacks of the Duggars and their creepy army of J-named kids.

Marine for a boy? I'm glad this ma asked for input from others before she went with it. That's a mermaid name if I ever heard one.

Check out some of the alternative suggestions she received from well-meaning baby-namers, though. Would you give your kid any of these names? Especially a boy?

----------------

Harbor, Breeze, Frost, Lake, Ridge, Reef, Timber, Ocean, Wade ('cause it's a WATER THEME, GET IT?), Solar Memphis, Nile, Aqua, Cascade.

----------------

Some of these names were suggested for Theme Mama because the people making the suggestions know kids who already have these names. Oi.

It hurts.

A forum post:
--------------
Ok, I am pg with my second boy. My husband and I like unusual names, although I will admit, he likes them much more unusual than I do.He chose DAX for our first son ,and I hated it everyday but still agreed.Now I LOVE it, and Im so glad I gave in.Now we are trying to name boy #2. My hubby wants to name him PAYNE. I can't decide if I love it or hate it........I hate asking friends and family bc I can't stand the way they are so judgemental!!!! So, what do you think??? Also, he wants to spell it PAINE - the Y is my idea. If you like it (or not) which spelling do prefer?? MN would probably be Logan, Edward, or Thomas. Thanks for the opinions, even if they are brutal lol.....
---------------

Dax I can live with. It's weird, but at least it's masculine, and it's not an unpleasant physical sensation, as is PAIN(e).

The Unique Baby Name Generator

To be found here. We can all hope that nobody has ever actually used an internet randomizer to name their child. But based on some of the actual names attached to actual children, I'm not sure we can really trust to hope.

Here are a few the generator produced for me. I can actually envision a trendy mommy giving her kids these names.

Dexman
Spocken (a Star Trek fan for a dad, perhaps)
Badyx
Rockett
Bynne
Parrsly

I hope his last name is Who.

An acquaintance of G reports that there is a kid at her child's daycare named Lorax.

Really? Lorax? Good lord.

Zoo Horrors

A zoo is a great place for a nameophile like L to work. You hear a lot of parents screaming at their children at the zoo. Some recent gems that were shouted across grounds recently:

Michelin (presumably a combination of Michelle and Lynn, and yes, it was pronounced like the tire store), Danish, and Sullen (this last being shouted by a distinctly goth-esque mommy.) Also Ryler, or possibly Riler. I don't know how it was spelled. I only know it sounded like Scooby-Doo was trying to say "Tyler." Don't name your kid that.