What-what? In the butt!

In honor of the name suggestion Analeigh in the previous blog post, I present this list of names suggested to a mom-to-be that make me think of the Hershey Highway. Thank you, internet! You are truly a magnificent series of tubes. And so are these names.

Analie, Annalie, Annaly, Annahlii.

Also in the same list but not so reminiscent of sodomy in the bottomy were the following names, still terrible in their own right:

Airalie, Aeralee, Kenadee, Kenahdy.

Good golly. Just name her Kennedy.

What a bunch of Yahoos.

I've said it before; I'll say it again. Yahoo Answers is the best place on the web to find batpoop crazy suggestions for baby names. If you are looking for the most wacky-ass spelling of a perfectly normal name, if you are looking for a humiliating moniker, if you are looking for names so trendy it will make your head explode in a shower of Ys and Mcs, look no further than Yahoo Answers. It's my resource of choice when I want to amuse/horrify myself by perusing lists of what people actually think are acceptable potential names for human beings.

Witness some recent suggestions:

One would-be namer suggested, among a list of perfectly nice names, Analeigh. Now, I suspect it's intended to be pronounced like Anna Lee. Anna Lee is a lovely name -- why not just name your daughter Anna Lee? Or Anna Leigh? Why do we need to get all creative with the spelling? You start getting fancy-pantsy with the spelling, and you have a name that will always be mispronounced as Anally. Don't name your kid that!

Here's a "helpful" list suggested to a soon-to-be mom by a Yahoo Answers user. There are a lot of mythology names here, and while I'm not opposed to unusual names per se -- and even have a bit of a fondness for them -- some of these mythological names carry a bit of baggage.

Pandora Brielle
Nyx Effemy [Effemy? Really? Nyx isn't so bad -- it's kind of cool, really, and at least it's not McKaiylagh or Mykynzye -- but Nyx was the Greek goddess of darkness, so you'd better hope little Nyx grows up to be a total goth or things could get awkward. But Effemy? I know it goes with the Greek theme and all, but LESS IS MORE.]
Onyx Perenelle [I am a rock hound and a certified gem nut, but most gem names don't make good baby names. Onyx is one of them. There is only one profession such a name would suit an adult Onyx for, and it involves thigh-high boots and cats-o-nine-tails. And Perenelle -- I guarantee you the suggester got this one from Harry Potter. I am putting an all-time ban on Harry Potter names. Screw you guys.]
Stefan Ryder [Stefan is great. Ryder? No.]
Vladimir Phoenix [Insta-ban on all city names and also on mythological bird names. And I love birds. Phoenix is another name that, like Onyx, is going to ensure your kid is only taken seriously in one specific line of work.]
Felix Caelan [Felix is a fab name. Caelan -- no idea how it's intended to be pronounced. Kaylan, perhaps? In any case, the spelling reminds me of a taxon of worm-like creatures, which means this one is a big NO.]
Tristan Kellan [Alert the Trend Police, we have a Double Violation here. And I would just like to go on record right now and state that I feel really sorry for all the males named Tristan. I think it's a way girly name. It's just so un-male.]
Genesis Nathalie [Don't name your kid after any book in the Bible. She might grow up to be an atheist. Also that H is totally extraneous and guaranteed to cause pronunciation problems.]
Ace Dimitri [Reminds me of Snoopy flying his doghouse.]


[More from YA:]

"I'm having trouble naming my daughter? help with names plz?

A bunch of names I like and everytime I think I've chosen one i think of more. Please rate my name combo's and feel free to mix and match."

Laelagh (pronounced Lay-la) Abigail
Milla (pronounced ME-LUH) Isobel Chase
Dylan Olivia
Lillian Harper
Ever Alexandria
Lielagh (pronounced Lie-la) Ivy

[Okay, listen up. If you need to tell everybody how to pronounce your kid's name because it is not even slightly apparent in written form, you're doing it wrong. Spelling an otherwise normal name all gobbledygooky doesn't mean you've given your child a unique name. It means you've saddled her with a lifelong burden that will drive her insane. I know, because my own name is one I have to spell for people all the time. And it's not even a "creative" spelling. It's a totally normal, sensible spelling that is simply less common than an alternative spelling. That's bad enough. I feel sorry for any child named Lielagh or Laelagh. Just name her Layla or Leila, for corn's sake!]

[Yahoo! Let's keep going!]

If I combine the names Deandra and Xavier what baby names could I make?

[Oh boy! Mom/Dad combo names are some of my favorite naming atrocities. Let's see what the helpful Yahoos suggested.]

Dezavia, Xaaden DaRiver, Vixen Addarrea, Deanavier, Denaviar, De'A'Navier, Andravier, Dexandra (pronounced Dee-ex-an-drah), Xadra, Vierdra.

[That's a whole lotta strippers-to-be.]

Setting yourself up for failure

[Combining the parents' names into one uber-name seldom works out well for anybody. Witness the dilemma of a mommy who can't spell:]

{{HELP!}} i need a boy name and a girl name but my name and my bfs name have to be mixed in somehow.?

ok so we decided that we wanted our names in our babys name..

my name is Shade--no not like the shade u get under a tree or something its spelled Shade but pernonse like the singer Sade'

his name is steven so how do we mix a really nice boy and girl name with ours any suggestions?? HELLLLLLPPPPP PLLZZZZZ!!!

[First, let me just say this: pernonse. Wow.]

[And now, please enjoy the suggestions of the ever-helpful Yahoo Answers Baby Names community:]

Stacy. [I lol'd]

Shaven? Vensha? Heaven?

Stanley, with a C. [this would get my vote for best answer if I hadn't been banned from YA long ago.]

thats hard mama how bot Shaden Steden?

Shaden
Staven
Neveah (heaven backwards but has all the letter from both your names (girl)) [except the S.]
Saven

Sven
Shane
Aden

Aven
Shannen
Sadie

Saden
Stevanya
Sadenya
Stevina

shaven - girl
stehad - boy

(im trying this is hard lol but not impossible)
-saiden
-sandee
-evan
-shane
-shanice
-steph
-shaden (you do pronounce the sh)
-thadee (im guessing this can be like katie but with a th)
-seth

[Mommy Shade should know better than most what a bad idea it is to give her child a goofy-ass name that he or she will have to constantly tell people how to spell and pronounce for the REST OF HIS LIFE.]

Don't ask the internet.

Nearly as bad as the "What do you think of this super-special name I'm considering for my child?" posts are the suggestions others make for moms who haven't decided on a name yet.

One poor gal who's looking for some names similar to Antonio or Maximus -- perfectly acceptable names, if you ask me -- got these suggestions. I ask you: Are they even in the same ballpark?

What about Maksim? Like the dancer from Dancing With the Stars.

Landon, Logan, Lawson. My cousin by marriages sons names. [Great, so their names all sound
trendy and alliterative, and you don't know how to use apostrophes?]

Axel, Justice...my friend has a son named Urijah.

I love names like Sawyer and Kellon but my stubborn close minded husband won't consider either of them for our potential future son. [smart man. I actually don't dislike Sawyer, but Kellon? Really?]

Adonis...


And finally, the best suggestion ever from a poster on said forum:

Or you can just say fuck it and name him Alexis Paige, and dress him like a girl.

You win the internet, madam. You win the inernet.

It's just too matchy-match.

Let's explore the horrifying world of naming multiples, shall we? Anybody who is a twin, or who has a friend who's a twin, can tell you how effing annoying it gets when other people assume you have no individuality. Apparently a lot of mommies out there don't get this. Yet. They will, once their cute little matchy-watchy kids grow up to become pissed-off teens who struggle to stake their claim on a unique identity.

The following names were all taken from birth records -- hence, actual twins and triplets bear these names -- by an internets dweller who is not L, on a long-dead baby name forum.

Destinie Ann & Dynastie Lynn
Dyamond Lecole & Jade Nycole
Jessenia Elizabeth & Jessica Elizabeth
Adrionn Alyse & Ashlynn Arion (what??)
Haileigh Paige & Heather Paige
Mallory Kaye & Micah Kaye
Elisabeth Anne & Kathleen Elisabeth
J'Kelon Darnell & J'Quaylon Donnell
Jermaine Davon & Jermaude Devel (I guess we know which one is the evil twin.)
Emanuel Jacob & Manuel Jacoby
Quincy Donnell & Quinn Daniell
Caden Mark & Caleb Martin
Caleb Nicholas & Cooper Nicholas
Brandon Ross & Brendan Ryan
Kelby Kade & Kolby Jack
Kody Lane & Kolin Shane
Aubrey Gene & Audrey Jeanette (boy/girl)
Alexander Ray & Alexandria Rae
Eleigha Mariah & Elijah Macaiah (b/g)
Eric Patrick & Erica Patrice
Dominique Sharnell & Domonick Carnell
Taylor Kaitlin & Tyler Chase (g/b, I think)
Francesca Charlene & Frank Charles

And now, for some triple pain:

Bailey Lauren, Hailey Laurel, & Tanner Daniel (one of these things is not like the other.)
Kara Rene, Sara Kaye, & Tara Faye

I predict a lot of goths and a lot of "experimentation" during the ninth and tenth grades.

Oh, Yahoo Answers. Why do you torment me so?

A few eye-poppers from the ol' Y!A:

What do you think of the name Valentyn?
I want a boy and I really like the name Valentyn (pronounced valenteen)

Which baby girl name is the best?
Leighton Olivia
Braylee Summer
Britley Summer
Leighton Summer

[I must interject here. There's nothing wrong with Olivia or Summer, and I could even be persuaded to accept Leighton. I mean, at least I can imagine a grown woman and/or a grandmother named Leighton. It's obnoxiously trendy, but whatever. It works. It's the Braylee and Britley that really get to me.

And why? Just look at the title of the question. What baby girl name? This mommy is only thinking of naming a baby, not of naming a human being who will be a baby, a child, a teen, an adult, maybe a parent, maybe a grandparent, maybe a CEO, maybe the president, maybe a professor or doctor who would like to be taken seriously. And eventually, with luck, an old woman. Braylee? Really? An old granny sitting in a rocker yelling at kids to get off her lawn, and she's named Braylee? Or Britley? Come ON, people! You're not naming a baby. You're naming a person.]

Ahstyn Noelle or Paisley Noelle?
Please don't comment on how you hate either name. I am trying to decide between the two for my baby.

[Okay, then, I won't comment on -- oh. It's my blog, so in fact I will comment. This one is tricky. Ashton doesn't give me the heebie-jeebies. It's a boy's name, but whatevs. I can deal with the unisexery. It's the gratuitous Y I have a serious problem with. Ashton is just fine as it is. Don't make it "unique" (read: silly-looking) by spelling it all jacked-up-like.

As for Paisley, I, L, actually do not dislike this name. It's unusual but it sounds feminine and it has a little bit of a vintage, steampunk-but-not-irritatingly-so vibe to it. And I can see any kind of person wearing the name without problems. However, I included it here because I know G hates the name, and G is technically the coauthor of this blog, although she hasn't yet made any actual contributions. It's okay; I'm going to wring her for canning lessons soon so she'll make up for it.]

[INCREDIBLE NEWS FLASH EDIT!! Sharp-eyed reader Kissare (not her real name) points out that it's not Ashtyn, but AHSTYN. Yeah. Austin, but spelled even stupider than I originally thought. I take back all my compliments. This mommy sux.]
What are some ways to spell this name?
Do You Like This Name??
i like long names so don't tell me its long i already know and like it.
don't change any of the names or tell me too i just need ways to spell it please and im sorry if you dont like the name just please only tell me ways to spell it thanxx love sadie

the name is:
ArielLann(lynn)Muhrie(Marie) KiLeeah(KyLeeah)-Fai(fay)
pleas help thank you

[Pleas help, indeed.]

[Oh, dear. The author of the above post has an addendum. After reading Yahoo Answers' comments, she has this to add:]

okay all of you that want to make fun of me too bad okay. i like this name okay. and for all you people who tell me im stupid for spelling it like i am and asking for more ways im sorry im not like all you ignorant rude people who like to spell your children's names just like every other person in this world. i want mine diffrent and when people spell her name think its diffrent and beautiful
my own sisters name is heaven kamberlea-fai. thank yout to the people who have helped me and no thank you to the people who have smart mouthed my question

[I think the Bhaybiee(Baby)Jyeexiss(Jesus) is crying.]

Teachers have the best stories.

A teacher and a former teacher's aide shared these gems with me, from classrooms of the recent past:

Sisters Infinitee and Trinitee.
Brother-sister pair Champagne and Reality.
And Antwenet.

Nanny No-Nos

A friend who worked as a nanny shares these gems, from children she actually knew:

Belen, pronounced BAY-lin. A girl. And a trio of siblings named Jiggs (girl), Toy (boy), and Jo-Michael (boy.) These were not nicknames. No, not at all.

I don't care how you SAY it's pronounced.

Nobody will ever look at this name and think anything but "Garrison Keillor."

---------------------

trouble finding a cute, uncommon FN

Ok, we're having trouble finding a FN that we like a lot. We like exciting, cute, uncommon names. And we're having a hard time finding good names on lists. The

name also has to flow well with our older son's name, Kielor (KY-ler).
The MN are Ryan Paul. Ryan is a good friend who passed away recently. Paul is a family name.
Here are the names we have so far, but I'd appreciate many more suggestions.

Jhace Ryan Paul
Janson Ryan Paul

If we are having a girl we have the FN, but completely unsure of MNs. Any suggestions are helpful, especially names with 2 syllables.

I'd like to give her 2 MNs as in:
Makynlli ___ Dawn
Makynlli ___ Lynn
Makynlli Shae ___

THX

-------------------

Just name the baby THX!

...And that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children's names are exciting.

Spell Hell

Yeah, this will come as no surprise to you: In the quest to give children "unique" names, parents often resort to unusual spellings of otherwise perfectly normal, perfectly respectable names. The end result: The kids will grow up having to spell out their name for everybody, for the rest of their lives. This is nobody's picnic, folks.

Often "creative" spellings look weird at best, outright stupid at worst. A "creative" spelling can cause the person reading the name to draw out an unfortunate syllable, stammer, or read the name in a completely jacked-up voice, just because the spelling is so damn odd.

Witness these creative names, from The Retread Ranger.

Orion has become a popular name for boys and, to a lesser degree, for girls in recent years. L approves. L is a science nerd, and stars are kickass. Constellations are even better. Orion is cool-sounding without sounding goofy-ass, effete, or frightening; and any Orion who doesn't enjoy being named after huge balls of gas has a built-in, perfectly respectful alternative: Ryan. Easy.

Easy, that is, until some mom decided Orion wasn't unique enough for her bundle of joy. Somebody named their kid O Ryan. Yeah. O isn't the first name. There's a legitimate middle name tagging along, and it's not Ryan. O Ryan is one word. Without an apostrophe. It made my head hurt when I read it.

Autumn is a lovely name for a girl. It's melodic. It rolls off the tongue. And who doesn't love the season of autumn? It's crisp, colorful, beautiful. Lovely, feminine associations. Autumn is a pretty name.

Until, that is, you decide to spell it Ahtum. And then you name your baby girl Ahtum. I defy you to read that name aloud without saying, "AHHHHH-tummmmmmmmm." You can't do it, can you? It's okay. I can't, either.

Cadence. I'm not a fan of this name, personally, but I don't outright hate it. I'm torn on it, really. I have a strong suspicion that most moms who pick it don't know what it means. They just like it because it sounds like those popular Aidan-rhyming names, but with a nice sibilant little flourish at the end. Cadence. Just name your kid Rhythm or Timbre or Pitch or Meter. I mean, you might as well. On the other hand, if you do know what it means, it can conjure up a nice image. Steadiness, perseverence. Almose like a virtue name, but it sounds a lot trendier than Patience or Flee-Fornication.

However, I am unambiguous about hating Kaedynce. Come on! You can't look at that name without mentally drawing out the "kae" at the beginning. It becomes KAAAYYYYYYYYY-diiince." It's awful. Sorry. It's terrible.

Dayton. Okay, I don't know why anybody would name their kid after a city in Ohio, and to be fair, I haven't seen Dayton used as a name. Yet.

But I've seen Dayten now, and boy does that make me want to pluck my eyeballs out. Dayten? Really? I hope you've installed a Fisher-Price My First Stripper Pole in the nursery.

I will admit that I lol'ed when the author of the linked web page called "Makayla" and all associated, unfortunate spellings "Left Over from the Nineties." Really. I'm so glad we're mostly over the Makayla trend now. Those were dark days.

Jasmine is a little froo-froo for my tastes, but at least it's spelled normally. Jazmon, on the other hand, sounds like Pikachu's arch rival.

Sienna. Being that G and I are the daughters of an artist, we really can't get behind naming your kids after a paint color. But especially when you pair Sienna with Skye. Sienna is an earth pigment, and depending on how it's prepared, it's either red-brown, or the color of baby poop. The sky, or the skye, should never, ever be sienna.

Olivia. It's toeing the line between glorious and too trendy, but no matter how you cut it up, Olivia is a great name. It's classy and classic. Winner.

Until you feel the need to get "creative" with its spelling, and you flog it from the classy original into Ahlyivia. Really? A Y and an I together?

And finally, the winners from Retread Ranger. A three-way tie:
Miranda Joan Ebeneeza. Was the Ebeneeza really necessary?
Qlowui Rose. I hope this is a respectable name in another language.
Aryan Justice. Just, no. Don't name your kid that.