Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What a bunch of Yahoos.

I've said it before; I'll say it again. Yahoo Answers is the best place on the web to find batpoop crazy suggestions for baby names. If you are looking for the most wacky-ass spelling of a perfectly normal name, if you are looking for a humiliating moniker, if you are looking for names so trendy it will make your head explode in a shower of Ys and Mcs, look no further than Yahoo Answers. It's my resource of choice when I want to amuse/horrify myself by perusing lists of what people actually think are acceptable potential names for human beings.

Witness some recent suggestions:

One would-be namer suggested, among a list of perfectly nice names, Analeigh. Now, I suspect it's intended to be pronounced like Anna Lee. Anna Lee is a lovely name -- why not just name your daughter Anna Lee? Or Anna Leigh? Why do we need to get all creative with the spelling? You start getting fancy-pantsy with the spelling, and you have a name that will always be mispronounced as Anally. Don't name your kid that!

Here's a "helpful" list suggested to a soon-to-be mom by a Yahoo Answers user. There are a lot of mythology names here, and while I'm not opposed to unusual names per se -- and even have a bit of a fondness for them -- some of these mythological names carry a bit of baggage.

Pandora Brielle
Nyx Effemy [Effemy? Really? Nyx isn't so bad -- it's kind of cool, really, and at least it's not McKaiylagh or Mykynzye -- but Nyx was the Greek goddess of darkness, so you'd better hope little Nyx grows up to be a total goth or things could get awkward. But Effemy? I know it goes with the Greek theme and all, but LESS IS MORE.]
Onyx Perenelle [I am a rock hound and a certified gem nut, but most gem names don't make good baby names. Onyx is one of them. There is only one profession such a name would suit an adult Onyx for, and it involves thigh-high boots and cats-o-nine-tails. And Perenelle -- I guarantee you the suggester got this one from Harry Potter. I am putting an all-time ban on Harry Potter names. Screw you guys.]
Stefan Ryder [Stefan is great. Ryder? No.]
Vladimir Phoenix [Insta-ban on all city names and also on mythological bird names. And I love birds. Phoenix is another name that, like Onyx, is going to ensure your kid is only taken seriously in one specific line of work.]
Felix Caelan [Felix is a fab name. Caelan -- no idea how it's intended to be pronounced. Kaylan, perhaps? In any case, the spelling reminds me of a taxon of worm-like creatures, which means this one is a big NO.]
Tristan Kellan [Alert the Trend Police, we have a Double Violation here. And I would just like to go on record right now and state that I feel really sorry for all the males named Tristan. I think it's a way girly name. It's just so un-male.]
Genesis Nathalie [Don't name your kid after any book in the Bible. She might grow up to be an atheist. Also that H is totally extraneous and guaranteed to cause pronunciation problems.]
Ace Dimitri [Reminds me of Snoopy flying his doghouse.]

[More from YA:]

"I'm having trouble naming my daughter? help with names plz?

A bunch of names I like and everytime I think I've chosen one i think of more. Please rate my name combo's and feel free to mix and match."

Laelagh (pronounced Lay-la) Abigail
Milla (pronounced ME-LUH) Isobel Chase
Dylan Olivia
Lillian Harper
Ever Alexandria
Lielagh (pronounced Lie-la) Ivy

[Okay, listen up. If you need to tell everybody how to pronounce your kid's name because it is not even slightly apparent in written form, you're doing it wrong. Spelling an otherwise normal name all gobbledygooky doesn't mean you've given your child a unique name. It means you've saddled her with a lifelong burden that will drive her insane. I know, because my own name is one I have to spell for people all the time. And it's not even a "creative" spelling. It's a totally normal, sensible spelling that is simply less common than an alternative spelling. That's bad enough. I feel sorry for any child named Lielagh or Laelagh. Just name her Layla or Leila, for corn's sake!]

[Yahoo! Let's keep going!]

If I combine the names Deandra and Xavier what baby names could I make?

[Oh boy! Mom/Dad combo names are some of my favorite naming atrocities. Let's see what the helpful Yahoos suggested.]

Dezavia, Xaaden DaRiver, Vixen Addarrea, Deanavier, Denaviar, De'A'Navier, Andravier, Dexandra (pronounced Dee-ex-an-drah), Xadra, Vierdra.

[That's a whole lotta strippers-to-be.]

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