Tuesday, August 24, 2010

World of Namecraft

Guess what these parents do in their spare time. From Yahoo Answers (of course!)

Help with baby boy names please? Can you help me put these names together?

We have complied a list of our favorite names and are having difficulty putting them together. It is important to us to have 2 or even 3 middle names so matching 3 or 4 names is appreiciated. Here are the names we love. (Please don't say anything negative about our choices, we've already decided we love them...all we want is help putting them together. Not opinions on the names themselves.)

[Okay. Promise.]

Aiden, Cedric, Brent, Jasper, Brendon, Thomas, Emerson, Carson, Elliott, Ansleigh [for a boy??], Cameron, Jess, Clarence [so far, so good...these are all pretty solid boy names. I might even be convinced of Ansleigh, especially if it was buffered by a good baker's dozen of additional, normal names.] Lysander [what??], James, Jace, Collin [Oh, thank goodness. Back on solid ground!], Fauntleroy [...], William, Elbereth [???], Legolas [!!!], Atticus, Brendon, Cole, Artemis/Artemas [ACK!] Technically Artemis is a girl name [yes, it is!] and Artemas is the male form [I think you made that up!] but we really like the female spelling...do you think it can be spelled Artemis without sounding too feminine?


[Some name combinations, huh? How about Artemis Fauntleroy Legolas Elbereth Smith. BACK AWAY FROM THE HERALDIC SHIELD AND PUT DOWN THINE BROADSWOARD, I PRITHEE.]

What-what? In the butt!

In honor of the name suggestion Analeigh in the previous blog post, I present this list of names suggested to a mom-to-be that make me think of the Hershey Highway. Thank you, internet! You are truly a magnificent series of tubes. And so are these names.

Analie, Annalie, Annaly, Annahlii.

Also in the same list but not so reminiscent of sodomy in the bottomy were the following names, still terrible in their own right:

Airalie, Aeralee, Kenadee, Kenahdy.

Good golly. Just name her Kennedy.

What a bunch of Yahoos.

I've said it before; I'll say it again. Yahoo Answers is the best place on the web to find batpoop crazy suggestions for baby names. If you are looking for the most wacky-ass spelling of a perfectly normal name, if you are looking for a humiliating moniker, if you are looking for names so trendy it will make your head explode in a shower of Ys and Mcs, look no further than Yahoo Answers. It's my resource of choice when I want to amuse/horrify myself by perusing lists of what people actually think are acceptable potential names for human beings.

Witness some recent suggestions:

One would-be namer suggested, among a list of perfectly nice names, Analeigh. Now, I suspect it's intended to be pronounced like Anna Lee. Anna Lee is a lovely name -- why not just name your daughter Anna Lee? Or Anna Leigh? Why do we need to get all creative with the spelling? You start getting fancy-pantsy with the spelling, and you have a name that will always be mispronounced as Anally. Don't name your kid that!

Here's a "helpful" list suggested to a soon-to-be mom by a Yahoo Answers user. There are a lot of mythology names here, and while I'm not opposed to unusual names per se -- and even have a bit of a fondness for them -- some of these mythological names carry a bit of baggage.

Pandora Brielle
Nyx Effemy [Effemy? Really? Nyx isn't so bad -- it's kind of cool, really, and at least it's not McKaiylagh or Mykynzye -- but Nyx was the Greek goddess of darkness, so you'd better hope little Nyx grows up to be a total goth or things could get awkward. But Effemy? I know it goes with the Greek theme and all, but LESS IS MORE.]
Onyx Perenelle [I am a rock hound and a certified gem nut, but most gem names don't make good baby names. Onyx is one of them. There is only one profession such a name would suit an adult Onyx for, and it involves thigh-high boots and cats-o-nine-tails. And Perenelle -- I guarantee you the suggester got this one from Harry Potter. I am putting an all-time ban on Harry Potter names. Screw you guys.]
Stefan Ryder [Stefan is great. Ryder? No.]
Vladimir Phoenix [Insta-ban on all city names and also on mythological bird names. And I love birds. Phoenix is another name that, like Onyx, is going to ensure your kid is only taken seriously in one specific line of work.]
Felix Caelan [Felix is a fab name. Caelan -- no idea how it's intended to be pronounced. Kaylan, perhaps? In any case, the spelling reminds me of a taxon of worm-like creatures, which means this one is a big NO.]
Tristan Kellan [Alert the Trend Police, we have a Double Violation here. And I would just like to go on record right now and state that I feel really sorry for all the males named Tristan. I think it's a way girly name. It's just so un-male.]
Genesis Nathalie [Don't name your kid after any book in the Bible. She might grow up to be an atheist. Also that H is totally extraneous and guaranteed to cause pronunciation problems.]
Ace Dimitri [Reminds me of Snoopy flying his doghouse.]

[More from YA:]

"I'm having trouble naming my daughter? help with names plz?

A bunch of names I like and everytime I think I've chosen one i think of more. Please rate my name combo's and feel free to mix and match."

Laelagh (pronounced Lay-la) Abigail
Milla (pronounced ME-LUH) Isobel Chase
Dylan Olivia
Lillian Harper
Ever Alexandria
Lielagh (pronounced Lie-la) Ivy

[Okay, listen up. If you need to tell everybody how to pronounce your kid's name because it is not even slightly apparent in written form, you're doing it wrong. Spelling an otherwise normal name all gobbledygooky doesn't mean you've given your child a unique name. It means you've saddled her with a lifelong burden that will drive her insane. I know, because my own name is one I have to spell for people all the time. And it's not even a "creative" spelling. It's a totally normal, sensible spelling that is simply less common than an alternative spelling. That's bad enough. I feel sorry for any child named Lielagh or Laelagh. Just name her Layla or Leila, for corn's sake!]

[Yahoo! Let's keep going!]

If I combine the names Deandra and Xavier what baby names could I make?

[Oh boy! Mom/Dad combo names are some of my favorite naming atrocities. Let's see what the helpful Yahoos suggested.]

Dezavia, Xaaden DaRiver, Vixen Addarrea, Deanavier, Denaviar, De'A'Navier, Andravier, Dexandra (pronounced Dee-ex-an-drah), Xadra, Vierdra.

[That's a whole lotta strippers-to-be.]

Monday, August 16, 2010

It's A Travesty

Check out some of the names on an "I'm thinking of naming my girl this" list straight from Yahoo Answers. Be prepared for horror.

Amity Lane, Dariella Harlow, Travesty Brielle, Willow Travesty, Journey Lane, Sonnet Viola, Harvest Harlow, Ocean Lily, Thandie Carter, Santino Carmine [yes, Santino is a boy's name], Loyal Travesty, Havilyn Lee, Havilyn Loyal.

When called out on how naming your kid Travesty is a really, really bad idea, the mommy-to-be responded with:

"You're thinking of 'tragedy' Travesty means a comedy or parody. :)"

Even if that were the mere truth of it, why would you name your kid "parody?"

Alas, the definition of travesty is much more specific than this mommy realizes.

travesty: noun.
1. a literary or artistic burlesque of a serious work or subject, characterized by grotesque or ludicrous incongruity of style, treatment, or subject matter.
2. a literary or artistic composition so inferior in quality as to be merely a grotesque imitation of its model.
3. any grotesque or debased likeness or imitation.

Yeah, when people think of my offspring, I want them to think of words like grotesque, ludicrous, incongruous, inferior quality, debased, and imitation.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

STFU, and don't name your kid that.

Today while perusing the latest on STFU, Parents I came across one I just had to add to DNYKT: Dazzling.

Seriously? Dazzling? Don't name your kid that.

Following a link from the Dazzling entry, we also get Sir Devin Khan Raijin Xenophon (wow) and the name Cullen tacked onto the end of a "help us pick a name" list. Kill me now.

No. No. Don't name your kid that.

Submit your own horror-monikers to dnyktblog@gmail.com

Thursday, August 12, 2010


If you want to submit your own crazy human names, please send them to dnyktblog@gmail.com. The only rule is: The names MUST be real names that have actually been bestowed upon a child, OR they must be actual suggestions or considerations for names. None of this "I heard from a friend whose cousin knew a neighbor who named their kid..." First-hand knowledge is required, folks, and don't try to pull any of the L'monjelo/O'ranjelo crap on me. I'm too hip for the urban legends.

Some contributions from my Facebook friends:

" When I worked for the radio school, I helped a young woman with her student loan application. Her name was Cinnamon Pecan and she lived on Sugar Cookie Lane. I am not kidding. When her parents sold the house she grew up on, she bought it from them. Because, in her words, 'Where else can Cinnamon Pecan live?'" [At least she has a great sense of humor!]

" Dan's mom had a client in the insurance business whose name was Romeo Conception. She never knew whether to call him 'Romeo' or 'Mr. Conception' when she had to call him." [Ya gotta watch those first/last name combinations.]

" This past school year we had an I'Muniqe (note the lack of u) and a D'Imunique. In the same class. I'll bet their mothers were crushed." [I can't get over the pronunciation of the last one.]

"My mom was a kindergarten teacher in Detroit. Two of the kids she taught were Mapleleaf MacKensie and Queen Bossie. And I know someone named Penny Nichols." [Penny Nichols...she was Bruce Banner's secretary in Zap Comics, right?]

" I went to school with a Spring Faller, a kid whose first name was Mister, and a Phuc Mi. (The last one doesn't really count, but something still tells me I'm above the national average.)" [No, the last one doesn't count, but I'm including it here because it makes me giggle.]

[Thanks to Bridget, Lissa, Nancy, and Matt for the additions! Send your tales of terrible names to dnyktblog@gmail.com!]

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The country estate

A real, actual conversation I had with a co-worker today:

Co-Worker: My sister's second daughter is due soon. Guess what she's naming her? You'll love this.

[My...er...appreciation for unusual names is well known at work.]

L: What?

CW: Sada. Sada Brooke. [Sada is pronounced SAY-da]

L: Hmmmm...

CW: I don't know how to feel about this. My sister just totally made this name up.

L: You know, I don't dislike it. It's unusual, but it's not cutesy or trendy or whorish. I can see the name Sada on a female of pretty much any age, and it's not a name that can't be taken seriously. Although....

CW: ?

L: Sada Brooke kind of sounds like, you know, an actual brook. Like, "Hey, we're going wading over at Sada Brook. Wanna come along?" Or like it's the name of a ritzy apartment complex, or something.

[Other Co-Worker approaches. We bring her into the conversation.]

L: What do you think of the name Sada?

OCW: It makes me think of Satan.

So I guess the moral of the story is, you just never know how others will perceive the names you choose for your kids. Parents, proceed with caution. I'd totally live at Sada Brooke, though, if the rents are reasonable.