Don't Name Your Kid That!

World of Namecraft

2010-08-24T18:39:00.001-07:00

Guess what these parents do in their spare time. From Yahoo Answers (of course!)

Help with baby boy names please? Can you help me put these names together?

We have complied a list of our favorite names and are having difficulty putting them together. It is important to us to have 2 or even 3 middle names so matching 3 or 4 names is appreiciated. Here are the names we love. (Please don't say anything negative about our choices, we've already decided we love them...all we want is help putting them together. Not opinions on the names themselves.)

[Okay. Promise.]

Aiden, Cedric, Brent, Jasper, Brendon, Thomas, Emerson, Carson, Elliott, Ansleigh [for a boy??], Cameron, Jess, Clarence [so far, so good...these are all pretty solid boy names. I might even be convinced of Ansleigh, especially if it was buffered by a good baker's dozen of additional, normal names.] Lysander [what??], James, Jace, Collin [Oh, thank goodness. Back on solid ground!], Fauntleroy [...], William, Elbereth [???], Legolas [!!!], Atticus, Brendon, Cole, Artemis/Artemas [ACK!] Technically Artemis is a girl name [yes, it is!] and Artemas is the male form [I think you made that up!] but we really like the female spelling...do you think it can be spelled Artemis without sounding too feminine?

[Wow.]

[Some name combinations, huh? How about Artemis Fauntleroy Legolas Elbereth Smith. BACK AWAY FROM THE HERALDIC SHIELD AND PUT DOWN THINE BROADSWOARD, I PRITHEE.]

What-what? In the butt!

2010-08-24T18:35:00.001-07:00

In honor of the name suggestion Analeigh in the previous blog post, I present this list of names suggested to a mom-to-be that make me think of the Hershey Highway. Thank you, internet! You are truly a magnificent series of tubes. And so are these names.

Analie, Annalie, Annaly, Annahlii.

Also in the same list but not so reminiscent of sodomy in the bottomy were the following names, still terrible in their own right:

Airalie, Aeralee, Kenadee, Kenahdy.

Good golly. Just name her Kennedy.

What a bunch of Yahoos.

2010-08-24T17:49:00.000-07:00

I've said it before; I'll say it again. Yahoo Answers is the best place on the web to find batpoop crazy suggestions for baby names. If you are looking for the most wacky-ass spelling of a perfectly normal name, if you are looking for a humiliating moniker, if you are looking for names so trendy it will make your head explode in a shower of Ys and Mcs, look no further than Yahoo Answers. It's my resource of choice when I want to amuse/horrify myself by perusing lists of what people actually think are acceptable potential names for human beings.

Witness some recent suggestions:

One would-be namer suggested, among a list of perfectly nice names, Analeigh. Now, I suspect it's intended to be pronounced like Anna Lee. Anna Lee is a lovely name -- why not just name your daughter Anna Lee? Or Anna Leigh? Why do we need to get all creative with the spelling? You start getting fancy-pantsy with the spelling, and you have a name that will always be mispronounced as Anally. Don't name your kid that!

Here's a "helpful" list suggested to a soon-to-be mom by a Yahoo Answers user. There are a lot of mythology names here, and while I'm not opposed to unusual names per se -- and even have a bit of a fondness for them -- some of these mythological names carry a bit of baggage.

Pandora Brielle
Nyx Effemy [Effemy? Really? Nyx isn't so bad -- it's kind of cool, really, and at least it's not McKaiylagh or Mykynzye -- but Nyx was the Greek goddess of darkness, so you'd better hope little Nyx grows up to be a total goth or things could get awkward. But Effemy? I know it goes with the Greek theme and all, but LESS IS MORE.]
Onyx Perenelle [I am a rock hound and a certified gem nut, but most gem names don't make good baby names. Onyx is one of them. There is only one profession such a name would suit an adult Onyx for, and it involves thigh-high boots and cats-o-nine-tails. And Perenelle -- I guarantee you the suggester got this one from Harry Potter. I am putting an all-time ban on Harry Potter names. Screw you guys.]
Stefan Ryder [Stefan is great. Ryder? No.]
Vladimir Phoenix [Insta-ban on all city names and also on mythological bird names. And I love birds. Phoenix is another name that, like Onyx, is going to ensure your kid is only taken seriously in one specific line of work.]
Felix Caelan [Felix is a fab name. Caelan -- no idea how it's intended to be pronounced. Kaylan, perhaps? In any case, the spelling reminds me of a taxon of worm-like creatures, which means this one is a big NO.]
Tristan Kellan [Alert the Trend Police, we have a Double Violation here. And I would just like to go on record right now and state that I feel really sorry for all the males named Tristan. I think it's a way girly name. It's just so un-male.]
Genesis Nathalie [Don't name your kid after any book in the Bible. She might grow up to be an atheist. Also that H is totally extraneous and guaranteed to cause pronunciation problems.]
Ace Dimitri [Reminds me of Snoopy flying his doghouse.]

[More from YA:]

"I'm having trouble naming my daughter? help with names plz?

A bunch of names I like and everytime I think I've chosen one i think of more. Please rate my name combo's and feel free to mix and match."

Laelagh (pronounced Lay-la) Abigail
Milla (pronounced ME-LUH) Isobel Chase
Dylan Olivia
Lillian Harper
Ever Alexandria
Lielagh (pronounced Lie-la) Ivy

[Okay, listen up. If you need to tell everybody how to pronounce your kid's name because it is not even slightly apparent in written form, you're doing it wrong. Spelling an otherwise normal name all gobbledygooky doesn't mean you've given your child a unique name. It means you've saddled her with a lifelong burden that will drive her insane. I know, because my own name is one I have to spell for people all the time. And it's not even a "creative" spelling. It's a totally normal, sensible spelling that is simply less common than an alternative spelling. That's bad enough. I feel sorry for any child named Lielagh or Laelagh. Just name her Layla or Leila, for corn's sake!]

[Yahoo! Let's keep going!]

If I combine the names Deandra and Xavier what baby names could I make?

[Oh boy! Mom/Dad combo names are some of my favorite naming atrocities. Let's see what the helpful Yahoos suggested.]

Dezavia, Xaaden DaRiver, Vixen Addarrea, Deanavier, Denaviar, De'A'Navier, Andravier, Dexandra (pronounced Dee-ex-an-drah), Xadra, Vierdra.

[That's a whole lotta strippers-to-be.]

It's A Travesty

2010-08-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

Check out some of the names on an "I'm thinking of naming my girl this" list straight from Yahoo Answers. Be prepared for horror.

Amity Lane, Dariella Harlow, Travesty Brielle, Willow Travesty, Journey Lane, Sonnet Viola, Harvest Harlow, Ocean Lily, Thandie Carter, Santino Carmine [yes, Santino is a boy's name], Loyal Travesty, Havilyn Lee, Havilyn Loyal.

When called out on how naming your kid Travesty is a really, really bad idea, the mommy-to-be responded with:

"You're thinking of 'tragedy' Travesty means a comedy or parody. :)"

Even if that were the mere truth of it, why would you name your kid "parody?"

Alas, the definition of travesty is much more specific than this mommy realizes.

travesty: noun.
1. a literary or artistic burlesque of a serious work or subject, characterized by grotesque or ludicrous incongruity of style, treatment, or subject matter.
2. a literary or artistic composition so inferior in quality as to be merely a grotesque imitation of its model.
3. any grotesque or debased likeness or imitation.

Yeah, when people think of my offspring, I want them to think of words like grotesque, ludicrous, incongruous, inferior quality, debased, and imitation.

STFU, and don't name your kid that.

2010-08-14T09:28:00.001-07:00

Today while perusing the latest on STFU, Parents I came across one I just had to add to DNYKT: Dazzling.

Seriously? Dazzling? Don't name your kid that.

Following a link from the Dazzling entry, we also get Sir Devin Khan Raijin Xenophon (wow) and the name Cullen tacked onto the end of a "help us pick a name" list. Kill me now.

No. No. Don't name your kid that.

Submit your own horror-monikers to dnyktblog@gmail.com

Demon-WHAT?

2010-08-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

If you want to submit your own crazy human names, please send them to dnyktblog@gmail.com. The only rule is: The names MUST be real names that have actually been bestowed upon a child, OR they must be actual suggestions or considerations for names. None of this "I heard from a friend whose cousin knew a neighbor who named their kid..." First-hand knowledge is required, folks, and don't try to pull any of the L'monjelo/O'ranjelo crap on me. I'm too hip for the urban legends.

Some contributions from my Facebook friends:

" When I worked for the radio school, I helped a young woman with her student loan application. Her name was Cinnamon Pecan and she lived on Sugar Cookie Lane. I am not kidding. When her parents sold the house she grew up on, she bought it from them. Because, in her words, 'Where else can Cinnamon Pecan live?'" [At least she has a great sense of humor!]

" Dan's mom had a client in the insurance business whose name was Romeo Conception. She never knew whether to call him 'Romeo' or 'Mr. Conception' when she had to call him." [Ya gotta watch those first/last name combinations.]

" This past school year we had an I'Muniqe (note the lack of u) and a D'Imunique. In the same class. I'll bet their mothers were crushed." [I can't get over the pronunciation of the last one.]

"My mom was a kindergarten teacher in Detroit. Two of the kids she taught were Mapleleaf MacKensie and Queen Bossie. And I know someone named Penny Nichols." [Penny Nichols...she was Bruce Banner's secretary in Zap Comics, right?]

" I went to school with a Spring Faller, a kid whose first name was Mister, and a Phuc Mi. (The last one doesn't really count, but something still tells me I'm above the national average.)" [No, the last one doesn't count, but I'm including it here because it makes me giggle.]

[Thanks to Bridget, Lissa, Nancy, and Matt for the additions! Send your tales of terrible names to dnyktblog@gmail.com!]

The country estate

2010-08-11T20:50:00.000-07:00

A real, actual conversation I had with a co-worker today:

Co-Worker: My sister's second daughter is due soon. Guess what she's naming her? You'll love this.

[My...er...appreciation for unusual names is well known at work.]

L: What?

CW: Sada. Sada Brooke. [Sada is pronounced SAY-da]

L: Hmmmm...

CW: I don't know how to feel about this. My sister just totally made this name up.

L: You know, I don't dislike it. It's unusual, but it's not cutesy or trendy or whorish. I can see the name Sada on a female of pretty much any age, and it's not a name that can't be taken seriously. Although....

CW: ?

L: Sada Brooke kind of sounds like, you know, an actual brook. Like, "Hey, we're going wading over at Sada Brook. Wanna come along?" Or like it's the name of a ritzy apartment complex, or something.

[Other Co-Worker approaches. We bring her into the conversation.]

L: What do you think of the name Sada?

OCW: It makes me think of Satan.

So I guess the moral of the story is, you just never know how others will perceive the names you choose for your kids. Parents, proceed with caution. I'd totally live at Sada Brooke, though, if the rents are reasonable.

I'm baa-aaack!

2010-08-11T20:31:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I let the blog go silent for nigh on a year. Why? Just got bored. But I'm back again now, and hoping to get more reader interaction, which will keep me interested in continuing to post. In the meantime, enjoy some horrors from Yahoo Answers' Baby Names section, easily my favorite place to troll for terrible baby names.

Badass baby name ideas?

I'm still not sure if I'm having a boy or a girl, and I want names that not that many kids have...

sooo..

heres what i was thinking.

Draven, Legion or Law for a boy

Rayne for a girl

have any more cool name ideas? or a middle name for these? and do u like these, yes or no?
Be honest!!

THANKS! :)

[responses from the Y!A community:]

Rayne is cool..but if you're looking for badass girl names, you could use: Harley. If you want it more feminized, Harleigh. :) Good luck! :D

[Yeah, the -eigh really puts a girly spin on that whole "giving your daughter the name of a motorcycle brand that is commonly referred to as a 'Hog'" thing.]

Why would you want to give your child a badass names? That's very childish - what about when they grow up, maybe become business people? It'd sound quite silly. Why not a classy, elegant name?
Sorry I just had to say that..

[You know, once in a while a Y!A user will restore my faith in humanity. It doesn't happen often, though....]

Rayne -- sounds like a hippy's name

SUGGESTIONS:
Boys: Ash, Jett, Hawkin (or Haakon), Zane, Pierce
Girls: Katrina, Victoria, Vanessa, Eve, Phoenix, Musetta (pronounced like Muse-etta)

i don't like any of them. Law? seriously. I'd rather call my kid 'sheriff'. sorry :(

[Word up.]

Setting yourself up for failure

2009-09-24T21:33:00.001-07:00

[Combining the parents' names into one uber-name seldom works out well for anybody. Witness the dilemma of a mommy who can't spell:]

{{HELP!}} i need a boy name and a girl name but my name and my bfs name have to be mixed in somehow.?

ok so we decided that we wanted our names in our babys name..

my name is Shade--no not like the shade u get under a tree or something its spelled Shade but pernonse like the singer Sade'

his name is steven so how do we mix a really nice boy and girl name with ours any suggestions?? HELLLLLLPPPPP PLLZZZZZ!!!

[First, let me just say this: pernonse. Wow.]

[And now, please enjoy the suggestions of the ever-helpful Yahoo Answers Baby Names community:]

Stacy. [I lol'd]

Shaven? Vensha? Heaven?

Stanley, with a C. [this would get my vote for best answer if I hadn't been banned from YA long ago.]

thats hard mama how bot Shaden Steden?

Shaden
Staven
Neveah (heaven backwards but has all the letter from both your names (girl)) [except the S.]
Saven

Sven
Shane
Aden

Aven
Shannen
Sadie

Saden
Stevanya
Sadenya
Stevina

shaven - girl
stehad - boy

(im trying this is hard lol but not impossible)
-saiden
-sandee
-evan
-shane
-shanice
-steph
-shaden (you do pronounce the sh)
-thadee (im guessing this can be like katie but with a th)
-seth

[Mommy Shade should know better than most what a bad idea it is to give her child a goofy-ass name that he or she will have to constantly tell people how to spell and pronounce for the REST OF HIS LIFE.]

Sound like wine labels.

2009-09-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

[A prospective mommy asks Yahoo Answers:]

What do you think about these unique baby names?

Girl-
Madrid
Bellavida
Saskia

Boy-
Hart
Wylder
Riley

[For the record, L doesn't actually hate either Saskia or Hart, but I figured you might, gentle reader, so I put them in bold orange for you. The rest are horrid, though. I think we can all agree on that.]

[Also, for flip's sake, can we PLEASE stop naming children RILEY already? Riley is to the last five years as Michaela and Hayden were to ten years ago.]

You have a WHAT in your pants?

2009-09-24T15:22:00.000-07:00

Sunnie, a dispatcher, sent in these gems (to dnytkblog@gmail.com)

A man who changed his name from something quite normal (Steven Smith, or the like) to Jiggley Boy M. Paris A. Satan. I guess it's not always parents who commit naming crimes.

Lasedrick Bloodsaw. Yeah, that's a real dude's name. Look at it again. LASEDRICK. It's not what you think. But I know what you were thinking. Kind of sexy, huh?

And Sunnie writes,

"And one more for you, fresh from the field! A woman today told me her
daughter's middle name was (pronounced) "Elsie", so I asked "starting
with an E, like Edward?" And she said "No, it's L-dot-C". What, she
wasn't good enough for a middle name, so she only gets initials?"

L.C I don't believe it. Well, on the positive side, she has the perfect name for a respectable author, which is better than having the perfect name for a respectable stripper, which is what Turquoia, another of Sunnie's real-life submissions, got from her parents.

Thanks, Sunnie. Keep 'em coming.

I would not, could not in a box.

2009-09-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

From Yahoo Answers:

Do you like this girl nameS?

Do you like Aristella Rachele
or/and
Marlee Animaila

Which name do you prefer?

Grey or Keavan?

Keavan is like Kevin, only a kee sound intead of a kev sound (kee-vin) i realize they might not be your style but please just pick one.

What do you think of this name for a little blonde boy?

I came up with this name it's chadison like madison but with chad in front we would call him chad but his full name would be chadison be honest

[what about a full-grown blonde man named Chadison? We're not just naming little wee babbies, remember.]

What sounds better or cuter?

No ugly comments please about spelling just would like to know what is cuter or better then thee others

Skyleigh
Shayleigh
Shyleigh-Shileigh
Shayleah

[Ugh.]

It's not just in the U.S., folks.

2009-09-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

[Andy from the U.K. writes:]

The daughter of a friend of mine grew up in Brighton, a city with a fairly large number of Alternative Lifestyle parents, and this does result in some howlers: the worst two of which were Geronimo and Rin-Tin-Tin. Geronimo (who would be about 15 now) presumably calls himself “Gerry”, but poor Rin-Tin-Tin wasn’t even male (like the dog). She was a girl.

My son Nicholas had the slightly odd experience of there being two classmates called Tiger (one male, one female) , but no other Nicholas.

My wife’s cousin insisted on calling her daughter “Moana” (pronounced “Mo-Anna”). From the greek, literally “person of the sea”, however you just know it will be pronounced “Moan-er” at school. To make things worse this is actually quite a common name in the South Pacific, where it is a man’s name.

Oh, and I used to have a step-daughter called Nemone (ne-monny, “memorable”, not nee-moan). At least her father mas persuaded not to spell it with an “M” on the beginning… (of course there is now a disk jockey called Nemone, so it’s not as unusual as it used to be, but it was amusing that for a period at school her two best friends were called “Melanie” and “Naomi”.

[Thanks for the note, Andy...I think!]

Really? You've never heard these before?

2009-09-18T10:50:00.000-07:00

From a question/answer site:

Unique Names That Are to Cute!

I love differnt names and want to know the strangest and cutest you've heard. I work ina daycare and know so many names that I will have to name my children something i've never heard of b/c i'll always think of that child I knew plus I like different names...Some are
-jaidyn
-london
-jersey
-peyton
-heaven
-ellie
-ava
these are girl names and boys all I have is trenton

[Really? You've never heard these before? At your daycare? Where you're taking care of the latest crop of kiddies whose parents decided to give them trendy names, too? Anyway, read on for some suggestions from this site.]

What about paradise for a girl

If the doctor tells me wednesday that i'm having a girl, we'll name her ava elizabeth. if it's a boy, it's destin.

Chrissasia is a beautiful name.

What about: chrishelle, skyanne or sky-anne

Those are some pretty names. I also like: mettea, zakiya, lennon, lachlan

Don't name your kid heaven! Just don't! The other names are cute though. But not Jersey. London...ehhh. [finally, some sense. And she can capitalize most of the time, which speaks in favor of her intelligence.]

[Originator of the thread comes back to say:]

Ah I really like jersey I think that is our defint name if we ever get preggo jersey

[Can I just say that I hate the word "preggo?" Also, for god's sake, learn how to spell.]

Cute and unusual - GIRLS: Teilor Jamison (pronounced Taylor), Saige Winterlynn, Linden Marine, Charleign Haper (pronounced Charleen), Joshlynn Avery, Ainsley, Ellasyn, Jaetyn, Kaylor, Leighton [it's back!], Macyn, Rayan
BOYS: Blaise Nolan, Zayne Ryland, Kayd Alixander, Dayton Parker, Acton, Karston, Madden, Manning, Urban, Zacharee

Okay, yes!! I love weird names. Here is a list of names I've put together. (They all mean something to me...)
MALE NAMES: Fagan Ray, Brogan, Stetson Lee, Anaximander, Thales Reed, Eliezar, Cagney, Jerusalem, Jericho, Jethro
FEMALE NAMES: Sadie Eyre, Aspiasiah, Britain, Denver, Kenzington, Rilee, Holland, Hananiah, Caesarea, Odessa

I think this was a troll.

2009-09-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

At least, I hope it was a troll.

What first name would flow with the middle name Gomorrah?

Yeah, I'm pretty darn sure that was a troll post, but the people on the baby name forum in question sure took it all serious-like, some of them reacting in horror, and others making honest suggestions.

Ashlyn Gomorrah. [I think this works. Ashlyn is an evil name, and I can see some pissed-off deity getting sick of all the little Ashlyns running around in their squeaky Hannah Montana shoes and just unleashing a fiery bombardment of, uh, fire on them. Have I mentioned that I'm sick of the name Ashlyn?]

So long as you don't give the kid the first name of Sodom.

Ajax Gomorrah [a serious suggestion, given among a list of otherwise normal first names, many of them, to my amusement, Biblical in origin.]

It has awkward connotations from the Bible, but personally, I wouldn't let that bother me if I liked the name. Although I would have to think about when my child grows up, how others would react to it. [Ya think?!] Our son is Jack Danger and our daughter is Jade Mischief.

You're worried about the name Ajax because it's a soap...yet you're talking about a name that comes from two towns in the Bible full of people who invented sodomy, and were condemned for it!! I'd rather name my kid after soap than after something that refers to a**rape.

Don't ask the internet.

2009-09-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

Nearly as bad as the "What do you think of this super-special name I'm considering for my child?" posts are the suggestions others make for moms who haven't decided on a name yet.

One poor gal who's looking for some names similar to Antonio or Maximus -- perfectly acceptable names, if you ask me -- got these suggestions. I ask you: Are they even in the same ballpark?

What about Maksim? Like the dancer from Dancing With the Stars.

Landon, Logan, Lawson. My cousin by marriages sons names. [Great, so their names all sound
trendy and alliterative, and you don't know how to use apostrophes?]

Axel, Justice...my friend has a son named Urijah.

I love names like Sawyer and Kellon but my stubborn close minded husband won't consider either of them for our potential future son. [smart man. I actually don't dislike Sawyer, but Kellon? Really?]

Adonis...

And finally, the best suggestion ever from a poster on said forum:

Or you can just say fuck it and name him Alexis Paige, and dress him like a girl.

You win the internet, madam. You win the inernet.

Tell me what you like mos.

2009-09-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

From Y!A:

I'm just going to put out my whole list of full names and you just tell me what sounds better and what you like mos?

Boys:

Kayden Ryder
Lucas Cole
Grayson Lane
Grei
Benjamin Ryle (pro. Riley)
Brandson Noel
James Dominic [Hey, look! A normal one.]

girls:
Shailee Anne Marie
Brynna Elayne
Devon Shyann
MaraLynn
Noah Renee [She knows Noah was a drunk old man, right?]
Amber Nikole
Bailey Ray
Brynn Leigh
Natalia Lorraine
Lynn Cole
Amara Mae
Ashlee Leeanna
Leah Eden
Camila (Cammy) May
Nicole Leeanna
-------------------------
middle names please
Kamrynn
Eden
AmberLeigh
Carley
Zoey
Delaynee
Lorraine

Some of the girls' names aren't bad at all, but is it really necessary to get all UNEEK with the spelling?

It's just too matchy-match.

2009-09-15T18:49:00.000-07:00

Let's explore the horrifying world of naming multiples, shall we? Anybody who is a twin, or who has a friend who's a twin, can tell you how effing annoying it gets when other people assume you have no individuality. Apparently a lot of mommies out there don't get this. Yet. They will, once their cute little matchy-watchy kids grow up to become pissed-off teens who struggle to stake their claim on a unique identity.

The following names were all taken from birth records -- hence, actual twins and triplets bear these names -- by an internets dweller who is not L, on a long-dead baby name forum.

Destinie Ann & Dynastie Lynn
Dyamond Lecole & Jade Nycole
Jessenia Elizabeth & Jessica Elizabeth
Adrionn Alyse & Ashlynn Arion (what??)
Haileigh Paige & Heather Paige
Mallory Kaye & Micah Kaye
Elisabeth Anne & Kathleen Elisabeth
J'Kelon Darnell & J'Quaylon Donnell
Jermaine Davon & Jermaude Devel (I guess we know which one is the evil twin.)
Emanuel Jacob & Manuel Jacoby
Quincy Donnell & Quinn Daniell
Caden Mark & Caleb Martin
Caleb Nicholas & Cooper Nicholas
Brandon Ross & Brendan Ryan
Kelby Kade & Kolby Jack
Kody Lane & Kolin Shane
Aubrey Gene & Audrey Jeanette (boy/girl)
Alexander Ray & Alexandria Rae
Eleigha Mariah & Elijah Macaiah (b/g)
Eric Patrick & Erica Patrice
Dominique Sharnell & Domonick Carnell
Taylor Kaitlin & Tyler Chase (g/b, I think)
Francesca Charlene & Frank Charles

And now, for some triple pain:

Bailey Lauren, Hailey Laurel, & Tanner Daniel (one of these things is not like the other.)
Kara Rene, Sara Kaye, & Tara Faye

I predict a lot of goths and a lot of "experimentation" during the ninth and tenth grades.

Oh, Yahoo Answers. Why do you torment me so?

2009-09-15T18:21:00.001-07:00

A few eye-poppers from the ol' Y!A:

What do you think of the name Valentyn?
I want a boy and I really like the name Valentyn (pronounced valenteen)

Which baby girl name is the best?
Leighton Olivia
Braylee Summer
Britley Summer
Leighton Summer

[I must interject here. There's nothing wrong with Olivia or Summer, and I could even be persuaded to accept Leighton. I mean, at least I can imagine a grown woman and/or a grandmother named Leighton. It's obnoxiously trendy, but whatever. It works. It's the Braylee and Britley that really get to me.

And why? Just look at the title of the question. What baby girl name? This mommy is only thinking of naming a baby, not of naming a human being who will be a baby, a child, a teen, an adult, maybe a parent, maybe a grandparent, maybe a CEO, maybe the president, maybe a professor or doctor who would like to be taken seriously. And eventually, with luck, an old woman. Braylee? Really? An old granny sitting in a rocker yelling at kids to get off her lawn, and she's named Braylee? Or Britley? Come ON, people! You're not naming a baby. You're naming a person.]

Ahstyn Noelle or Paisley Noelle?
Please don't comment on how you hate either name. I am trying to decide between the two for my baby.

[Okay, then, I won't comment on -- oh. It's my blog, so in fact I will comment. This one is tricky. Ashton doesn't give me the heebie-jeebies. It's a boy's name, but whatevs. I can deal with the unisexery. It's the gratuitous Y I have a serious problem with. Ashton is just fine as it is. Don't make it "unique" (read: silly-looking) by spelling it all jacked-up-like.

As for Paisley, I, L, actually do not dislike this name. It's unusual but it sounds feminine and it has a little bit of a vintage, steampunk-but-not-irritatingly-so vibe to it. And I can see any kind of person wearing the name without problems. However, I included it here because I know G hates the name, and G is technically the coauthor of this blog, although she hasn't yet made any actual contributions. It's okay; I'm going to wring her for canning lessons soon so she'll make up for it.]

[INCREDIBLE NEWS FLASH EDIT!! Sharp-eyed reader Kissare (not her real name) points out that it's not Ashtyn, but AHSTYN. Yeah. Austin, but spelled even stupider than I originally thought. I take back all my compliments. This mommy sux.]
What are some ways to spell this name?
Do You Like This Name??
i like long names so don't tell me its long i already know and like it.
don't change any of the names or tell me too i just need ways to spell it please and im sorry if you dont like the name just please only tell me ways to spell it thanxx love sadie

the name is:
ArielLann(lynn)Muhrie(Marie) KiLeeah(KyLeeah)-Fai(fay)
pleas help thank you

[Pleas help, indeed.]

[Oh, dear. The author of the above post has an addendum. After reading Yahoo Answers' comments, she has this to add:]

okay all of you that want to make fun of me too bad okay. i like this name okay. and for all you people who tell me im stupid for spelling it like i am and asking for more ways im sorry im not like all you ignorant rude people who like to spell your children's names just like every other person in this world. i want mine diffrent and when people spell her name think its diffrent and beautiful
my own sisters name is heaven kamberlea-fai. thank yout to the people who have helped me and no thank you to the people who have smart mouthed my question

[I think the Bhaybiee(Baby)Jyeexiss(Jesus) is crying.]

La-WHAT?

2009-09-15T18:06:00.000-07:00

At that charming party wherein I learned the horrible names Trinitee, Infinitee, Jiggs, Toy, etc., I was bombarded with suggestions for this blog. I wrote them all down -- they were excellent, really -- and then stupidly lost the piece of paper that held all these treasures.

If you were at Jenn's birthday dinner and lobbed scary names at me, please be so good as to email your names to dnyktblog@gmail.com so I may put them in a less easily lost place, such as, oh, my computer's hard drive, or perhaps I will tattoo them on my skin.

I do remember a couple from the party, though. They shared something special in common. A prefix. Prefix names have always scared me just a little bit. They're common in Mormon families; I was raised in one, so I know what I'm talking about. But really, you can find them anywhere.

Usually some kind of prefix will be added to an otherwise normal name, lending, I suppose, a little more flair. It's like BeDazzling your jean jacket. Only it's a name. That a person must wear as a label. For the rest of her life.

And sometimes, mommies don't think too hard about how the prefix will make the otherwise normal name sound when it's applied. Thus, there is at least one woman out there named Latrina. (For you Brits reading, that's like naming your daughter Loo.) (I know you already knew what "latrine" means. I was trying to make a joke.) (I'm sorry. I won't do that again.)

Sometimes, though, it's not the aural effect that's disquieting. Sometimes the whole name is just out there. LaPleasure. Need I say more?

Thanks, Jenn's birthday guests! Now please send me more.

My goodness! Where did all the love come from?

2009-09-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden, people are commenting on this blog. I'm surprised. I honestly thought G and I would just shout into the void here until we got bored, but apparently at least a few of you are amused. Especially Clairy.

S'pose we'll keep it going, then.

Many of you have posted some deliciously bizarre names in the comments section. I would love to highlight these as their own special posts, so please, if you want to share any great names, email them to dnyktblog@gmail.com and we will give them their much-deserved time here.

Also, as we all know, blogs only truly rock if they have photos to illustrate their subjects. That's, um, basically impossible here. I don't really have a point to make about the lack of images here. Just...sorry.

If you are amused and/or disturbed by this blog, please share the URL with your friends and family -- unless they have given their children stupid names and would be offended. In that case, please don't. But do tweet, facebook, blog, and otherwise spread the word. The more readers we have, the more horrifying baby names we'll learn of.

<3, L.

Teachers have the best stories.

2009-09-06T22:09:00.000-07:00

A teacher and a former teacher's aide shared these gems with me, from classrooms of the recent past:

Sisters Infinitee and Trinitee.
Brother-sister pair Champagne and Reality.
And Antwenet.

Nanny No-Nos

2009-09-06T22:06:00.001-07:00

A friend who worked as a nanny shares these gems, from children she actually knew:

Belen, pronounced BAY-lin. A girl. And a trio of siblings named Jiggs (girl), Toy (boy), and Jo-Michael (boy.) These were not nicknames. No, not at all.

Break out the granola!

2009-09-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

Another forum post:

---------------

I'm expecting a boy on October 3 and need an earthly name to go with my other childrens names which are Wave, Tide, Storm and Rain. My husband came up with Marine but on paper it looks too girly to me, what do you think? And we also want to have a middle name beginning with "M" that doesn't necessarily have to be earthly. Would Marine work with a middle name also beginning with M or would it crash and burn?

---------------

Let it be known that L loves "earthy" names. Being a nature nerd, I am down for names like Storm, as long as there's a more typical middle or first name to go with it, so the kid has a fallback in case he or she hates it. However, this theme naming b.s. I just can't get behind. It smacks of the Duggars and their creepy army of J-named kids.

Marine for a boy? I'm glad this ma asked for input from others before she went with it. That's a mermaid name if I ever heard one.

Check out some of the alternative suggestions she received from well-meaning baby-namers, though. Would you give your kid any of these names? Especially a boy?

----------------

Harbor, Breeze, Frost, Lake, Ridge, Reef, Timber, Ocean, Wade ('cause it's a WATER THEME, GET IT?), Solar Memphis, Nile, Aqua, Cascade.

----------------

Some of these names were suggested for Theme Mama because the people making the suggestions know kids who already have these names. Oi.

It hurts.

2009-09-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

A forum post:
--------------
Ok, I am pg with my second boy. My husband and I like unusual names, although I will admit, he likes them much more unusual than I do.He chose DAX for our first son ,and I hated it everyday but still agreed.Now I LOVE it, and Im so glad I gave in.Now we are trying to name boy #2. My hubby wants to name him PAYNE. I can't decide if I love it or hate it........I hate asking friends and family bc I can't stand the way they are so judgemental!!!! So, what do you think??? Also, he wants to spell it PAINE - the Y is my idea. If you like it (or not) which spelling do prefer?? MN would probably be Logan, Edward, or Thomas. Thanks for the opinions, even if they are brutal lol.....
---------------

Dax I can live with. It's weird, but at least it's masculine, and it's not an unpleasant physical sensation, as is PAIN(e).

The Unique Baby Name Generator

2009-09-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

To be found here. We can all hope that nobody has ever actually used an internet randomizer to name their child. But based on some of the actual names attached to actual children, I'm not sure we can really trust to hope.

Here are a few the generator produced for me. I can actually envision a trendy mommy giving her kids these names.

Dexman
Spocken (a Star Trek fan for a dad, perhaps)
Badyx
Rockett
Bynne
Parrsly

I hope his last name is Who.

2009-09-01T15:30:00.000-07:00

An acquaintance of G reports that there is a kid at her child's daycare named Lorax.

Really? Lorax? Good lord.

Zoo Horrors

2009-09-01T10:56:00.000-07:00

A zoo is a great place for a nameophile like L to work. You hear a lot of parents screaming at their children at the zoo. Some recent gems that were shouted across grounds recently:

Michelin (presumably a combination of Michelle and Lynn, and yes, it was pronounced like the tire store), Danish, and Sullen (this last being shouted by a distinctly goth-esque mommy.) Also Ryler, or possibly Riler. I don't know how it was spelled. I only know it sounded like Scooby-Doo was trying to say "Tyler." Don't name your kid that.

I don't care how you SAY it's pronounced.

2009-08-31T20:56:00.000-07:00

Nobody will ever look at this name and think anything but "Garrison Keillor."

---------------------

trouble finding a cute, uncommon FN

Ok, we're having trouble finding a FN that we like a lot. We like exciting, cute, uncommon names. And we're having a hard time finding good names on lists. The

name also has to flow well with our older son's name, Kielor (KY-ler).
The MN are Ryan Paul. Ryan is a good friend who passed away recently. Paul is a family name.
Here are the names we have so far, but I'd appreciate many more suggestions.

Jhace Ryan Paul
Janson Ryan Paul

If we are having a girl we have the FN, but completely unsure of MNs. Any suggestions are helpful, especially names with 2 syllables.

I'd like to give her 2 MNs as in:
Makynlli ___ Dawn
Makynlli ___ Lynn
Makynlli Shae ___

THX

-------------------

Just name the baby THX!

...And that's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children's names are exciting.

Give her the middle name "Muncie."

2009-08-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

Oh, Yahoo Answers. You are always good for ~~horror~~ a laugh.

-----------------------------

What do you think of this girls name.?

Indiana Elizabeth Armitage
Indiana Rose Armitage
Indiana Valerie Armitage

Nickname Indie, the last name is armitage.

-----------------------------

Well? What do you think of it?

Spell Hell

2009-08-31T20:05:00.000-07:00

Yeah, this will come as no surprise to you: In the quest to give children "unique" names, parents often resort to unusual spellings of otherwise perfectly normal, perfectly respectable names. The end result: The kids will grow up having to spell out their name for everybody, for the rest of their lives. This is nobody's picnic, folks.

Often "creative" spellings look weird at best, outright stupid at worst. A "creative" spelling can cause the person reading the name to draw out an unfortunate syllable, stammer, or read the name in a completely jacked-up voice, just because the spelling is so damn odd.

Witness these creative names, from The Retread Ranger.

Orion has become a popular name for boys and, to a lesser degree, for girls in recent years. L approves. L is a science nerd, and stars are kickass. Constellations are even better. Orion is cool-sounding without sounding goofy-ass, effete, or frightening; and any Orion who doesn't enjoy being named after huge balls of gas has a built-in, perfectly respectful alternative: Ryan. Easy.

Easy, that is, until some mom decided Orion wasn't unique enough for her bundle of joy. Somebody named their kid O Ryan. Yeah. O isn't the first name. There's a legitimate middle name tagging along, and it's not Ryan. O Ryan is one word. Without an apostrophe. It made my head hurt when I read it.

Autumn is a lovely name for a girl. It's melodic. It rolls off the tongue. And who doesn't love the season of autumn? It's crisp, colorful, beautiful. Lovely, feminine associations. Autumn is a pretty name.

Until, that is, you decide to spell it Ahtum. And then you name your baby girl Ahtum. I defy you to read that name aloud without saying, "AHHHHH-tummmmmmmmm." You can't do it, can you? It's okay. I can't, either.

Cadence. I'm not a fan of this name, personally, but I don't outright hate it. I'm torn on it, really. I have a strong suspicion that most moms who pick it don't know what it means. They just like it because it sounds like those popular Aidan-rhyming names, but with a nice sibilant little flourish at the end. Cadence. Just name your kid Rhythm or Timbre or Pitch or Meter. I mean, you might as well. On the other hand, if you do know what it means, it can conjure up a nice image. Steadiness, perseverence. Almose like a virtue name, but it sounds a lot trendier than Patience or Flee-Fornication.

However, I am unambiguous about hating Kaedynce. Come on! You can't look at that name without mentally drawing out the "kae" at the beginning. It becomes KAAAYYYYYYYYY-diiince." It's awful. Sorry. It's terrible.

Dayton. Okay, I don't know why anybody would name their kid after a city in Ohio, and to be fair, I haven't seen Dayton used as a name. Yet.

But I've seen Dayten now, and boy does that make me want to pluck my eyeballs out. Dayten? Really? I hope you've installed a Fisher-Price My First Stripper Pole in the nursery.

I will admit that I lol'ed when the author of the linked web page called "Makayla" and all associated, unfortunate spellings "Left Over from the Nineties." Really. I'm so glad we're mostly over the Makayla trend now. Those were dark days.

Jasmine is a little froo-froo for my tastes, but at least it's spelled normally. Jazmon, on the other hand, sounds like Pikachu's arch rival.

Sienna. Being that G and I are the daughters of an artist, we really can't get behind naming your kids after a paint color. But especially when you pair Sienna with Skye. Sienna is an earth pigment, and depending on how it's prepared, it's either red-brown, or the color of baby poop. The sky, or the skye, should never, ever be sienna.

Olivia. It's toeing the line between glorious and too trendy, but no matter how you cut it up, Olivia is a great name. It's classy and classic. Winner.

Until you feel the need to get "creative" with its spelling, and you flog it from the classy original into Ahlyivia. Really? A Y and an I together?

And finally, the winners from Retread Ranger. A three-way tie:
Miranda Joan Ebeneeza. Was the Ebeneeza really necessary?
Qlowui Rose. I hope this is a respectable name in another language.
Aryan Justice. Just, no. Don't name your kid that.

Why? Why are we doing this?

2009-08-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

And who the hell are we?

G and L are sisters who have an interest in names. G is a mom who's had to choose unique, fitting, and non-stupid names for children on more than one occasion. L is not a mom, but has always been fascinated by names and the process of naming things. Plus, L works at a zoo and hears parents screaming for their children every day. She is often horrified by the things she hears.

It's an important thing, naming another human being. A name is a unique label. It sets the tone for your child's life. Really, it does. Check out these studies to see what I mean. What you name your child does matter. It's important. Yes, we all want our kids to stand out from the crowd. A classroom or a shopping mall full of Marys and Daves is homogenous. Homogeniety is boring. Nobody wants to associate their child with boredom. But you can go overboard in the quest to give your kid a "unique" label. It's a fine line to walk, between uniqueness and...well, something that may cripple your child emotionally.

The internet has opened the door wide for crazy-ass baby names. Back in The Good Old Days (TM), a mom-to-be had a baby book and a room full of scornful friends and family to help her choose a suitable name for her kid. Now, the scorn is all gone. Instead of mothers-in-law and BFFs raising eyebrows and saying, "Are you SURE you want to name him Bronx Mowgli?" there are like-minded young ladies with stars in their eyes all over Yahoo Answers and baby naming forums, cheering on cutesy syllables, overuse of the letter Y, and every name under the sun that rhymes with Aidan. There is no more filter for baby names anymore. Thanks a lot, internet.

With that in mind, G and L are here to question the sanity of names. You may be surprised at what we do and don't like when it comes to baby names. But we hope you enjoy our blog. And we really, really hope you won't name your kid Jaiydinn.